In his book Men in Midlife Crisis, Jim Conway applies Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of Grief with adjustments to Midlife Crisis (MLC).
Stages of Grief: Kubler-Ross
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance Stages of MLC: Conway
Denial
Anger
Replay
Depression
Withdrawal
Acceptance
Book For Men
According to Conway, Midlife Crisis ranges on average from 2-7 years. The crisis often begins slowly, beneath detection from outside sources. Anger follows in the failure of Denial. This then leads to the Avoidance that is Replay, ensuring the transition becomes a crisis. Denial attempts to maintain; midlife avoidance pursues lost youth via regression, falsely creating greater distance to death.
Midlife Crisis Stages
The application of stages is useful, but also has the negative effect of false security in the idea that they create a predictable Map. Each person's journey will have similarities as well as great variation. The early stages are most similar, with greater divergence deeper in the Midlife Tunnel. Archetypal themes are the predominate forces driving the crisis in the beginning; but as each person progresses, his personal lost fragments surface, yielding divergent pathways.
There is also a danger in viewing the stages as ordered steps in the process. Literal terms for the stages, such as those used by Conway, can be confusing when describing emotions and conditions which are not isolated to the stages they reference. Midlife Crisis is about Denial and Depression; both of these permeate all stages. Overt and Covert Depression are an overarching theme of the journey. Neither of these is isolated to certain stages. The same is true of Anger, which is often an outward expression of Depression.
Replay is Conway's only metaphorical term, so named because at this point, the Midlifer seeks to return to his lost youth, reliving such experiences "One More Time." This Fantasy phase invades all areas of life. For some it is re-experiencing previously fulfilled dreams to prove youthful vigor and capabilities, for those whose dreams were unfulfilled, the youthful regression may be even more severe. It is a different type of Denial-rather an Escape in which there is an admission of Midlife and aging, yielding an attempt to flee the inevitable through youthful regression. Many Midlifers in Conway's Replay stage spew venomous anger and hatred at their spouses. This anger differs from Conway's label of Anger which refers to general Anger with God and Life; the Victim's Why Me? cry at the unfairness of life.
In his book In Midlife A Jungian Perspective, Murray Stein identifies three stages of a Midlife Transition.
Separation
Liminality
Reintegration
Since a Midlife Crisis is a Midlife Transition of catastrophic levels, the transition stages must be a part of the Crisis stages. I will use the stages outlined below. These are not a Map, but rather a loose structure for the process of growth. The phases cycle and recycle throughout the Midlife Journey. For this reason the main phases may be viewed as a loose order, but the subphases are synergistic characteristics rather than ordered steps.
Separation may begin with Rejection & Refusal, but these do not end to allow for Resentment which in turn does not end to allow for Replay. Replay is the result of the integration of Rejection & Refusal and Resentment. Replay is Covert Depression-a denial of depression-which leads to anger as rage or stoicism with outbursts of rage. It is a snowball effect, with each characteristic adding to the others to create Separation. I call the Depression stage both Liminality and Liminal Depression because it makes it something less dangerous or frightening-rather than something wrong as is commonly considered; instead it is a time for self contemplation where a person retreats inward.
A midlife transition is the bridge between Accommodation, the life before midlife, and Individuation, the life path following midlife. It is Liminal; the MLC phase of Liminality is a midlife transition. Separation is a mini phase of preparation for Liminality and its MLC characteristics may not be present; Rebirth and Reintegration are mini phases of preparation for reentrance into the world and Individuation. In MLC denial of the transition leads to a prolonged Separation phase which may be longer than Liminality. Growth and development-progress-is a function of Liminality.
Midlife Crisis Stages
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"But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a dedicated nation, [God's] own purchased, special people, that you may set forth the wonderful deeds and display the virtues and perfections of Him Who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." (1 Peter 2:9 AMP)
The preceding scripture introduces an undeniable, yet seemingly misplaced truth about the Christian believer. Somewhere along the way we have lost our direction and our identity.
Book For Men
Those of you that are familiar with me are aware that I was reared by my grandparents. I had a limited relationship with my mother and I never met my father. As much as my grandparents loved me, they never interfered with my quest to unite with my mother and father, in fact, they encouraged it.
An Identity Crisis
I can remember overhearing phone conversations between my grandmother and mother. My grandmother would literally beg my mother to assume a more active role in my life. Unfortunately, that never happened. My grandmother would arrange meetings with my father so that I could get to know him, but he never followed through. As I mentioned in chapter one, my father passed away when I was fourteen. My mother and I have attempted numerous times to develop a deeper relationship, but the pain and scars of the past have proven to be an indomitable impediment.
This is not to say that I harbor any animosity towards either, my mother or father. However; I must acknowledge that irregardless to the intensive effort I have exhausted in an attempt to resist the negative effects of these non-extent relationships, I still find myself battling the demons of the past hurts I've experienced. Though I lack a definitive relationship with my mother, it was the total absence of my father that has caused the most damage emotionally.
My grandmother was a very affectionate and nurturing person. She filled in very effectively as a mother. My grandfather was not overly involved in my younger years. He was the provider and the head of the household type. His presence was definitely felt in a positive manner within the home. He never played catch with me, nor did he take me to the park to do all the things fathers do with their sons. I do not hold this against him in the least. In fact, there was never a time in my life that I doubted my grandfather's love for me.
My grandfather was born in 1902 and was 58 years older than me. His background and the generational divide played a role in our relationship. I am however, proud of the relationship my grandfather and I developed from my late teenage years until his death in 1992. During this time we became very close. He shared his wisdom and I shared my youth. We laughed and cried together. He routinely expressed sentiments he never expressed during my younger years. He told me that he loved me and that he was proud of me. These are the memories I cherish. In my relationship with my grandfather I also realized what I had missed by not knowing my father.
The role of a father far exceeds that of a provider. A father is a label giver, a role model, a standard bearer, and more. When I say a label giver, I am speaking of the father's ability to assist in developing a positive self-image within his children. A simple definition of self image is what a person envisions himself/herself to be. Why is self-image so important? Self-image is important because it has a direct impact on behavior and behavior has a direct impact on the outcome of a person's life.
How a person envisions themselves will determine their actions. For instance, if a person perceives themselves to be gifted and capable in a certain area in life, they are very likely to pursue a life within that arena, whether professionally or as a hobby. The reverse will also be true. Should a person perceive themselves to be incapable in any area of life, they will shy away from involvement in activities within that arena. These are simplified scenarios, but you get the picture. In psychology, the study of visionetics or self-imaging has shown that one of the ways we maintain our sanity is by proving through our actions that our perceived self-image is correct.
We cannot perceive ourselves to be one way but do something different and maintain our emotional stability; therefore, how we see ourselves is of immense importance.
Earlier, I alluded to the fact that fathers play a major role in their children's self-image. This is irregardless to whether they are absent or present. A father that is consistently present in the lives of his children has the opportunity to lend toward the development of a positive self-image, or they can by their words and actions assists in the development of a negative self-image. For instance, if a father spends quality time with his child as well as verbally affirming the child's worth, he is helping to establish a positive self image. Phrases such as, you're beautiful; you're smart; you are responsible; I love you; are all positive label givers. On the other hand, you're dumb; you're worthless; you're bad; you can't do anything right are obviously negative label givers. Now the absentee father can only be a negative label giver; by his absence, he is saying to his child, you are worthless, you are not worth my time or my love. An absentee father is sending a message to his child that will have a negative impact, with the residual affects carrying far beyond their childhood years.
Men, our children need us in so many ways. Our absence has created an entire generation that is suffering from an "identity crisis". We are such an enormous part of our children's identity that our absence has left them searching for an understanding of "self". They are looking for their identity in drugs, gangs, promiscuity, abusive relationships and more. They are reaching out trying to fill the void that was left when we walked away. We are a nation of broken homes and we must re-establish our position as leaders and protectors.
This country is crumbling under the weight of abandonment and irresponsibility. Crime is on the rise, prisons are being built at a rate that exceeds that of schools. Gang affiliations for youths are at an all time high. Teenage violence such as school shootings and hate crimes are on the rise.
I live in Houston, TX where a not long ago, a sixteen year old girl stabbed a teenage boy to death during a gang fight. She is now awaiting her second trial to determine her future. There were also two teenage boys who assaulted another teenager because of his race; subsequently they were sentenced to 90 years to life in prison.
There is a popular talk show that airs daily in which a large portion of its production is focused upon the errant lives of young teenage girls. These girls are normally brought to the show by overwhelmed mothers. The girls are disrespectful, violent, promiscuous, and generally out of control. The host of the show seems to be genuinely concerned and invites special guest and experts on the show to counsel these young girls. However, there is one thing in particular that baffles me; there is a question the host or the experts never ask, which happens to be the first question that enters my mind each time I view this type of segment: Where is the father? The father is never present and no one mentions him. I have found that absentee fathers are the common denominator in a plethora of social dysfunctionalities plaguing our country today.
No, I am not blaming the "Invisible Father Syndrome" for every social issue, but when the problems are traced to the source, IFS (Invisible Father Syndrome) ranks toward the top of the list.
There are many men like myself, who are victims of IFS and are dealing with their own pain and difficulties from not having a father present or having a father errantly present. This, however, cannot stand as an excuse to fail in our own paternal duties. I do not declare myself a perfect father; in fact I have fallen short in several areas. Not having the role model to pattern myself after left me deficient in some aspects of fatherhood. I consider myself a work in progress. As long as I am present, active, and willing, I can and will improve. The effort alone tells my children that I care; that dad with all his imperfections will always be there. This is how it was meant to be. As our children grow as a person, we grow as fathers.
There are many fathers to whom the words of this book will strike a chord. Right now you may be hurting, overwhelmed, angry and lost, but there is hope. Likewise, to those who have endured pain and loneliness due to the absence of your father, there is hope for you too. Malachi 4:6 says, "And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the hearts of the children to the fathers." (NKJV)
There are over 7,000 promises of a positive nature in the Bible. How interesting is it that the last promise of the Old Testament is one of restoration? God has promised to turn the hearts of the fathers toward the children and the hearts of the children towards the fathers. There is a revival on the horizon. seeking This rivival will seat men in their rightful positions in the home and the community.
This revival must take place before this nation can reverse its downward spiral toward moral decay; a nation full of dependent and codependent youth.
In the laws of divine establishment, God ordained four divine institutions through which those laws would function: The individual, the marriage, the family, and the nation. Each institution functions under the primary authority delegated by God. The individual functions under the authority of individual volition (self-will); the marriage functions under the authority of the husband; the family functions under the authority of the parents and the nation functions under the authority of the official government.
It is no coincidence that the man is given direct primary authority in two of four divine institutions, and is indirectly the functioning authority in the other two. This means that when we as men operate outside the will of God for our lives, the ramifications are far reaching. When we become spiritually corrupt, we corrupt not only ourselves, but we short circuit our marriages, we render our families dysfunctional and the nation as a whole suffers. R.B. Thieme Jr. says it this way; "When parents do not fulfill their responsibilities and children do not 'honor" their parents, the nation suffers from insecurity, instability and eventually loss of liberty. A Nation's disintegration begins in the family." (Thieme, Freedom Through Military Victory)
We as men have lost our identity and subsequently, families and children have lost their identities leading to an entire nation under an identity crisis.
The question then arises; can we overcome this crisis? Can we regain our identity? Can this country reassume the identity that once made us a great nation? The answer is simply: We must?
I often counsel young men from the inner city that are considered at risk. At risk means that these young men stand a greater chance of going to prison than enrolling in a University (U.S. Census Study). They are likely to die prematurely at the hands of another misguided youth. When questioning these young men I find that almost to a man, they believe in Christ. Some have accepted Him as their Lord and Savior. I tell these men that if they are still breathing, they are here for a reason.
These young men are from broken homes. Some were abandoned by their fathers, others have fathers that are incarcerated, and yet, others have lost their fathers to death by violence. They are bitter, angry, confused, but most of all, they are in need of direction. They need to know what it feels like to have a male role model, someone who cares. The young generation of today is crying out for fathers, whether biological or spiritual. Bishop Bart Pierce says we all need the covering of a spiritual father. He also says it is time to address the need for fathers; spiritual and natural. I concur; it is time as men and spiritual leaders in the community that we step forward. Too often in today's society we become content in waiting out problems in hope that they will rectify themselves. It is time to take a proactive approach in dealing with the serious issues of absentee fathers. It is time to step up.
The clarion is sounding. Who will answer the call?
Matt and Phil continue exploring a brand new world on the FyreUK server and show of the first build on this world 'Statue Gardens'. Apologies again for my Microphone quality in this episode, the audio was corrupt so i had to use a backup stream. Please comment, like and subscribe! Intro Music by: NubbyCakums - www.newgrounds.com Background Music is Minecraft by C418 go get it at: c418.bandcamp.com Outro Music By: PeterSatera - www.newgrounds.com Texture Pack: Dokucraft - FyreUK Creative Pack (Edited Version not available to the public) Minecraft is an indie game made by Notch find out more at: minecraft.net.
