This Stuff of Which Men and Dreams Are Made

What Think Ye of Men, Dreams and Healing?

The voice mail message was tired, distant, drained, depressed. Something about the sound and tone "made" me not want to return the call or feel what I felt (His tone "touched" my own stuff, my issues that I wanted to deny/ignore, my shadow.). The caller said his girlfriend encouraged him to "get some help." (If I had a penny for every time I heard some version of that from a man!!)

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Douglas (names and other facts changed to preserve privacy) said he had seen me as a client years ago, when he "was 12 years old or so...for just a few sessions, and we did that sand box thing, where you let me make all kinds of things, like forts and castles and monsters...". Now in his 20's, he said he "looked for me all over" and finally found my number. He was "in a dead-end job", full of anguish and pain and without purpose.

This Stuff of Which Men and Dreams Are Made

He worked hard to "get some help", desperate, hurting, lost...courageous.

We worked together for nearly two years, his choice this time. This was not his prescription drug dependent mother's choice or his girlfriend's push (she dumped him several months into the counseling) or his father's neglect. Douglas looked into this thing called soul work, intent to figure out why he had been so depressed his "whole life", how to change himself and stop repeating his pattern of wounded relationships.

A year or so into the work, Douglas had the following recurring dream...night, after night, after night. It haunted, disturbed, distressed, and depressed him. He wanted, willed and prayed for it to stop. Yet, his dream maker refused.

I am sitting at a table in my former girlfriend's parent's home... they are talking to me, telling me that we can work this out... that we can solve our problems... I am confused... I want to fix this... I wake up.

Douglas was painfully mystified. "I am done", he says. "I honestly do not want her back. I do not believe the relationship was as good as I had thought and I am healthier to not be in it, but why do I keep having this dream?"

We spent much time on this "strange, up-side down dream". If what Douglas said was true (and I believed him), why this strange, yearning for the opposites in the dream?

Exactly. That was the point! Douglas' dream maker was trying to get his attention so he could deeply heal. His past relationship was over, yet it represented for him his unresolved grief over all his lost loves. Douglas, often would reach out to his mother, his father, and others to "be better this time"; to try again to please them with the secret hope that, at last, "they would be there for me." If he would only try again, and again, and again, like a bad dream.

Suddenly, Douglas blurted out, laughing: "It is like my dream is trying to trick me!" Absolutely! The age-old dream trickster comes to Douglas' rescue! Not to torment Douglas, not to shame him, but to "shock" him into changing himself, his patterns, his life (Douglas has a very smart dream maker! And YOU do too!!).

The dream maker, yearning for Douglas to move toward health and wholeness, used a trick as old as the dream book itself to spiritually "trick" Douglas to realize the futility of chasing an illusion to get something which only he can now give himself. Something his wounded family or wounded relationships couldn't give him, whether he was 12, 6, or 21. Douglas, after futility, gives himself grace, freedom, and the peace of healthy self-love.

What happened? Douglas, during his spiritual counseling experience eventually landed a new job working with "lost kids", started a vigorous exercise program and reduced significantly his life-long depression and anxiety.

Here is an invitation for men for healing and growth through dreams.

An Exercise for Healing and Growth:

1) Each night prior to sleep, sit on the edge of your bed and, in a moment of quiet reflection, ask your maker of dreams to give you a dream. Relax, it is not important that you force yourself to remember your dreams completely, all at once or even a little. Relax. You will remember as you need. Be gently curious and keep a pen and paper pad nearby. Do this every night prior to sleep for a while, like a week or a month. Keep notes about even the slightest hints of dreams, like feelings, memories of dreams, "snatches and fragments".

2) If you have a trusted friend who will not judge you, ask him (or her) to hear your dream(s). Ask that person to "borrow" your dream and talk about it as if it were HIS/HER dream, not yours. I know it's crazy, but it works! You just listen to your '"friendly borrower of your dreams" and let the dream speak to you. You may get an "aha!" by just listening, which may mean that you have found one of the dream's meanings for you. Plus, the "borrower" will have shared his/her soul with you. Win/win!

This Stuff of Which Men and Dreams Are Made Monica, Brandy - It All Belongs To Me Video Clips. Duration : 4.52 Mins.
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Music video by Monica & Brandy performing It All Belongs To Me. (C) 2012 RCA Records, a division of Sony Music Entertainment

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